Thursday, January 17, 2008

The Coming In and Out - Fear, Irony and The Big Reveal

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I attended my first class in a series of 6 journaling classes at a neighbor's home this afternoon. There were a dozen women in the class. I wasn't sure how much I'd enjoy it - I suppose I wondered if I'd 'fit' in. I guess I often wonder where I fit, but that's another journal entry. One of the topics discussed today was the fear of having your writing read, and my soul did a somersault as I recalled a painful experience that reflected that fear - Fear revealed. A jealous boyfriend, a red felt pen 3 dozen yellow roses next to the open circled and highlighted journal - the rest is best unsaid. Fact is, it does happen. Boundaries are crossed and a severe case of curiosity can overcome someone's best moral judgment and at worst, an absence of integrity. And it is A W F U L. Reeling from memories of my incident, I offered a solution. How about a safety deposit box? A joke. But not as funny as the workshop leader, Kathy Legg suggested - Hide it in a Kotex napkin box...who would look in there? The crowd roared. Then she offered a potential 'con' - what would one think if they were to see a row of Kotex napkin boxes lined neatly up on her bookshelf? Valid point. After the first class, I had an AH-HA. I detest 'political correctness' and yet I keep to myself - an extroverted introvert. Bit of a hypocrite too. Since I don't particularly want to be a hypocrite, AH-HA step 1 I decided was to take a self-portrait, this time of my FACE, heaven forbid. But not just the face, my face in a rear view mirror - symbolizing that I was 'putting the past' behind me - a coming out, if you will. After all, what is the FEAR? Am I going to be voted off the island? Have at er! The traffic was light and slow. So witty (read: foolish) me, pulled it off, unscathed, and revealed. But the best part is the irony. So self-centered in capturing this AH-HA moment, I didn't see the helicopter until I downloaded the image. What do you think? Is it heading toward my head or carrying away my fear? I've decided I will think it's circled around and is on its way out. ba-bye f e a r. Not a big deal for most people, but from someone who is painfully camera shy (my past self-photos are of my feet) THIS WAS A BIG event.... I apologize for the frown. I don't plan on trying to improve my rear view mirror self-photo shots anytime soon (aka - don't try this at home) but I peeled off one layer of insecurity today and for that I am grateful to Kathy. The jury is still out on where to hide the journal. If you read this far, then you must be one of two people...Marjorie or Linda. Thanks guys for letting me ramble. If you aren't one of the aforementioned, then perhaps I've found a new friend!

9 comments:

bockel24 said...

Oh, not AS new, LOL ...
Love your little story and the photo (though I can´t really see you). My diary trick is to write in an old lettering hardly anyone of my age or younger is able to read - it takes a bit more time but works great.

Colette said...

Hello hope you don't mind me dropping by. I folowed your link off Debby's blog.

Much of your art is simply wonderful and I just wanted to share that I think this self portrait is a beautiful photo.

I love seeing the snow and the movement and even the emotion in your face. It all speaks so much and in harmony.

thatcharlottekemsley said...

I think your self portrait is brill - unaffected, as you are.. I hate having my photo taken, too!! As for journaling... I guess I tend to use my experiences and views to form other characters whom I think will have something a lot more interesting to say than me LOL! I wish I *did* journal, and also wish I'd kept the couple of diaries I did as a teenager - def LOL! Where to hide the journal... LAUNDRY BIN! No-one else in the house touches that but me!

Debby said...

Trudi your self portrait is amazing! I try to journal as often as possible, but I am sure no one would be interested. I often wondered what one will think when I am gone and they are trying to figure out what I was thinking. LOL..Good luck to them, some days I can't even figure it out.
Hugs,
Debby

Dieverdog said...

well you found me on flickr and I love your art posted there so I came here and enjoyed your story... I was wondering how you got that photo of yourself in the car without getting the camera in it! Very nicely done I must say. I have been agonizing over doing a self-portrait... (I did do one on my blog) but then I realize WHY? We don't HAVE to do a self portrait... no real reason, though it does feel good to get out of one's comfort zone now and then, but we shouldn't feel guilty if we don't like to use photos or images of our self... maybe fodder for journaling right there.... glad to have met you, I'll be back to see what you're up to! (Pam/Dieverdog)

Joanie Hoffman said...

I love it! helicopter & all (and a positive interpretation too).
Some friends laughed at/with me for taking my picture in the rear view mirror one day waiting for my class to start! what did they know about art or artists! : ) I also appreciate the extroverted introvert expression.
Happy days,
Joanie in MD.

tina's space said...

this piece resonates with me because i am like you. i hate showing my face; in person, online,anywhere! I am painfully shy, yet hadn't figured out it was fear. Fear of what I ask myself? have to ponder on that. nice to 'see' you.

Mary Buek said...

Your self-portrait is amazing, and oddly enough, I just shot one of myself, too. I'm like you -- I would rather clean the toilet than have my picture taken. I never look like myself, which means I have very skewed idea of what I look like. I also can't believe how old I am, which normally doesn't effect me at all, unless I'm memorialized in a picture. And yes, I read all the way to the bottom, and I hope I can be a new friend.

eb said...

you have indeed... catching up with you here - what a revelation!

xox - eb.